It's the end of the first quarter, which means grades are due next week, which leads me to two conclusions: I'm twenty-five percent through the school year! And, Sweet papaya tree we have to enter grades for middle school?!
Come on, middle school? I guess I wrongly assumed that I could give kids a gold star in my paper grade book based on if I liked them, er, if they worked hard. I had no idea we're actually required to assess their progress.
Naturally, I found myself in desperate need of some grades. Adding to the challenge, I had used the hundreds of pounds of student work (worksheets, homework sheets, quiz sheets, QuickWrite sheets, Do Now sheets, Grapple sheets, and all other miscellaneous, ungodly stacks of paper) for kindling throughout the past two months to combat this frigid New England fall.
Yes, considering my situation, I had to get creative, so this is what I created.
MR. LONDBERG'S LANGUAGE ARTS GRADING RUBRIC
-Students graded on a scale of 1-3, with 3 being proficient, 1 being unsatisfactory, and 2 not really existing. Again, this is middle school we're talking about; pass/fail should be good enough, right?
SOCIAL APTITUDE
Proficient
To earn a mark of proficient, student must remain in his/her seat (assessed during a ten-minute interval on Thursday, October 31); student must look at least mildly regretful when I angrily give a consequence; after cursing, student must steel oneself against my wrath by making at least a furtive glance in my direction; I'm not saying that giving me candy after Halloween helped a student's cause, but I'm not saying it hurt either.
Unsatisfactory
An unsatisfactory mark may be given for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to: Student looked at me wrong in the past week; student rarely-to-never laughs at my jokes; when sent into the hall for bad behavior, student flashes a victorious grin; student beats me in staring contests (see W.).
PARTICIPATION
Proficient
Student raised his/her hand once (1) in the last two months; when asked to pair up with a neighbor, student does not beg to make a cross-classroom move to sit next to a friend; student typically hands in the day's work to me rather than the floor.
Unsatisfactory
Student missed less than three days of school up to this point (yes, this one is in the right category; my class sizes are too big, okay?); student reads books upside-down; student spends more time asking questions I've already answered than fucking breathing.
LANGUAGE
Proficient
Student has called me by my new nickname, Ballberg, in the past week; student can sing well; when student yells, it's more often at other students than at me.
Unsatisfactory
Student uses ampersands, emoticons, or informal acronyms in his/her writing; when speaking, student purposely uses an incorrect verb form just to watch me squirm (e.g., "I sureee is hungry, Mr. Londberg." I squirm, then say, "You know what else you is, you is about to get a damn detention.").
READING
Proficient
Student spends more time reading a book than tearing it half-to-hell.
Unsatisfactory
Student spends more time tearing a book half-to-hell than reading.
MISCELLANEOUS
Proficient
Student holds the door open for me; student passes me the rock at recess; student offers to do chores for me; I genuinely like the student (based on my entirely inconsistent and biased opinion); student wears Lakers' stuff; student has bumped fists with me; student has red hair.
Unsatisfactory
Student wears lipstick; student wears a Miami Heat hat; student has sucked up to me at least once; student has tried to give me a high-five; student asks to see his/her grade every damn day (I always tell them the system is down instead of the truth–I haven't entered any grades, kiddo.); student rubs me the wrong way; student gets bigger laughs from his/her jokes than I do.
Come on, middle school? I guess I wrongly assumed that I could give kids a gold star in my paper grade book based on if I liked them, er, if they worked hard. I had no idea we're actually required to assess their progress.
Naturally, I found myself in desperate need of some grades. Adding to the challenge, I had used the hundreds of pounds of student work (worksheets, homework sheets, quiz sheets, QuickWrite sheets, Do Now sheets, Grapple sheets, and all other miscellaneous, ungodly stacks of paper) for kindling throughout the past two months to combat this frigid New England fall.
Yes, considering my situation, I had to get creative, so this is what I created.
MR. LONDBERG'S LANGUAGE ARTS GRADING RUBRIC
-Students graded on a scale of 1-3, with 3 being proficient, 1 being unsatisfactory, and 2 not really existing. Again, this is middle school we're talking about; pass/fail should be good enough, right?
SOCIAL APTITUDE
Proficient
To earn a mark of proficient, student must remain in his/her seat (assessed during a ten-minute interval on Thursday, October 31); student must look at least mildly regretful when I angrily give a consequence; after cursing, student must steel oneself against my wrath by making at least a furtive glance in my direction; I'm not saying that giving me candy after Halloween helped a student's cause, but I'm not saying it hurt either.
Unsatisfactory
An unsatisfactory mark may be given for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to: Student looked at me wrong in the past week; student rarely-to-never laughs at my jokes; when sent into the hall for bad behavior, student flashes a victorious grin; student beats me in staring contests (see W.).
PARTICIPATION
Proficient
Student raised his/her hand once (1) in the last two months; when asked to pair up with a neighbor, student does not beg to make a cross-classroom move to sit next to a friend; student typically hands in the day's work to me rather than the floor.
Unsatisfactory
Student missed less than three days of school up to this point (yes, this one is in the right category; my class sizes are too big, okay?); student reads books upside-down; student spends more time asking questions I've already answered than fucking breathing.
LANGUAGE
Proficient
Student has called me by my new nickname, Ballberg, in the past week; student can sing well; when student yells, it's more often at other students than at me.
Unsatisfactory
Student uses ampersands, emoticons, or informal acronyms in his/her writing; when speaking, student purposely uses an incorrect verb form just to watch me squirm (e.g., "I sureee is hungry, Mr. Londberg." I squirm, then say, "You know what else you is, you is about to get a damn detention.").
READING
Proficient
Student spends more time reading a book than tearing it half-to-hell.
Unsatisfactory
Student spends more time tearing a book half-to-hell than reading.
MISCELLANEOUS
Proficient
Student holds the door open for me; student passes me the rock at recess; student offers to do chores for me; I genuinely like the student (based on my entirely inconsistent and biased opinion); student wears Lakers' stuff; student has bumped fists with me; student has red hair.
Unsatisfactory
Student wears lipstick; student wears a Miami Heat hat; student has sucked up to me at least once; student has tried to give me a high-five; student asks to see his/her grade every damn day (I always tell them the system is down instead of the truth–I haven't entered any grades, kiddo.); student rubs me the wrong way; student gets bigger laughs from his/her jokes than I do.