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For the first significant time, I've failed, i.e., I won't be renewed at my school.

3/2/2014

7 Comments

 
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It's been a long time, Weebly blog. My delay is a direct result of my reinvigorated efforts to teaching. After honest conversations with my principal about what I needed to improve on, I felt a near-tangible pressure to work harder in order to be renewed for next year.

However, my efforts fell short. Last Friday, I was informed by my principal that I will not be renewed for the next school year. While I was interested in experiencing another year of teaching in which I'd begin prepared rather than overwhelmed, such an opportunity will not come. This is, in all honesty, the first time I've experienced a considerable failure at anything in my short life. Yet I am not as downtrodden as you might expect. I am disappointed, sure, but not distraught.

This year has been the most hectic of my life. I walked into my middle school lacking any useful tools in managing a classroom, leading to a chaotic first few months. However, I was oddly encouraged by many who observed my room, which I believe led to a misguided mindset that not much is expected in a school such as the one I was and am still in. Then, in December and January, I improved mightily my management toolbox with the help of a coach, and suddenly I felt like I was making my first gains in this most pressing of professions.

But strangely, this is around the time I started getting hints that I was underperforming. The first came when I was criticized for my grade book, which I admit I devoted little effort or time to perhaps as a result of trying to figure out how to plan ten "engaging" lessons each week, or perhaps because I believe grades are not of vital importance at the middle school level.

Regardless, I recommitted to my grade book, dutifully entering hundreds of data points each week. In addition, at my principal's behest, I made a concerted effort to implement more protocols that fit our school's style. I also tried to find that elusive concoction that led to student engagement, despite still feeling overwhelmed by the plethora of tasks that a first-year teacher, in my opinion, is largely unequipped to undertake. No matter, I didn't complain. Instead, I wrote less as I worked tirelessly on teaching, and I saw perhaps a slight uptick in student-work completion and engagement. I also noticed that my enthusiasm, when high, led to a more rapt classroom. I did my best to maintain this, but in a school saturated with hardship, such a state was simply impossible on a daily basis (for me, at least).

Still, I felt I'd improved, but it was not enough. I have speculated excessively on the reasoning behind my principal's decision, but this blog is not the forum to express such musings. I have tried to remain as objective as possible throughout this post. I realize that the decision to non-renew me may have been made in December or January, when I confess I hadn't been very enthusiastic, when I hadn't entered many grades, and when I was still suffocating under the workload.

A person I know said to me after I told him the news, "Except in rare circumstances, no first-year teacher should be non-renewed." I tend to agree, but I also think that if an experienced English teacher takes my place next year, one who can bring so much more into my students' lives than I could, then my non-renewal is completely justified, and I have no qualms with this outcome.

Still, the ego in me finds it hard to accept it nonetheless.

Six months ago, if you had told me I would only teach one year, I would have thought it meant that I had quit (at the end of the year–I'd never do so in the middle), not because I wasn't asked back. But now, after feeling more confident in my teaching abilities, I know that had I been renewed, I would have continued to improve over the final fifteen months of my teaching career, and I regret that I'll never feel whatever that second year of teaching feels like.

I ask myself, knowing how this whole thing has turned out, if I still would have joined Teach for America, and my answer is a resounding yes. It's been a fascinating submersion into a system that I knew nothing about. Human nature, at its best and worst, has revealed itself more clearly to me than ever during this experience.

I know that failure is a necessity, that from it springs success, but it's difficult to accept this wholeheartedly at the moment. But I know in a few days or weeks I will.

Anyway, one love from your short-lived teacher, Mr. Londberg. (One thing I won't miss is hearing that pretentious title.)

*Clarification: A non-renewal means I will finish out the rest of this school year in my school, but I won't be asked back for the next school year.

7 Comments
Blythe
03/02/2014 10:02pm

I agree with so much of what you have said here and in other posts. Failure seems like the wrong word to describe what non-renewal is for you. Having experienced middle school as a first year teacher, diving (hesitantly falling might be more accurate) into RTC upon returning from winter break, and attempting like you to morph into a superhuman able to teach, manage, counsel, coach, entertain, empathize, book keep, and shower ....I feel as if my experience mirrors yours (minus the fact that while you made a blog, I crawled into bed) and seeing my experience reflected in yours, I can't help but ask that you are generous with yourself and consider fully what failing in your context even means.

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Max
03/02/2014 10:17pm

Perhaps you're right, perhaps failure isn't quite the word to describe what I'm experiencing. I originally latched on to the word simply because I had made it my goal to get renewed, and I then found myself non-renewed, and thus feeling like I'd failed. But after reading your comment, doing lots of reflecting, and watching the movie Detachment, I don't know if failure is apt, though I think it's close. Your string of verbs reminds me just how much was/is expected of me at my school, and how hard I worked to meet those expectations. Somehow I didn't, but sometimes I think of it like this: "Would you blame a middle school student who is years behind in reading for not writing a stellar essay on Kafka?" That's not failure...maybe I'll change my title.

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SF
03/03/2014 5:39pm

Your unrelenting efforts on behalf of your students are remarkable. That in your first months, you pressed on, while absurd and unrealistic demands were made on you suggest that you have the GRIT and commitment required for teaching. That you observed student engagement increase with your own engagement is wonderful. And that you can write such a reflective and reasoned post -- in response to what is a premature, pre-textual move on the part of your principal -- convinces me that you are not done with teaching and teaching is not done with you. "Not a good fit?" "Not enough data" ....hmmm. I'm not convinced. What is really at the heart of this decision? NOT YOUR COMPETENCE. And certainly not your hard work. I hope you will push further to find out what is really at play here -- so other new and committed TFAers don't have to undergo the same bizarro and surreal treatment. And then, I have no doubt that this will give you the inspiration to do do bigger and better things with your life.

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Cele Sheridan
03/03/2014 10:40pm

So Max....first, you are amazing. Unfortunately for you, I wasn't blessed with a flow of intellectual words that honestly I don't always even know what you are talking about but I can only speak from experiences that have molded a life of so much love and happiness. So here it is. Every time Dave and I have made decision to buy houses, cars, changes to our jobs, etc. we have faced doubt and disappointment but somehow.....it has always turned out in our favor!!! Trust me, a positive attitude will
ALWAYS be in your best interest.
Doors are opening as we speak!!
Love you dear Max, even if you did pull Jenna's hair. ( she loves you too)

Cele

Reply
Max
03/06/2014 6:23pm

Cele, you are the best. You're right, a positive attitude can change many things. I learned that and keep learning that as a teacher.
Love you much.

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Linda
03/04/2014 3:17pm

Max,
I think the way to live life with the least resistance is to believe that EVERYTHING IS JUST AS IT SHOULD BE. You reach out to universal wisdom looking for new experience, looking for your voice, and new experience is what you are get. Maybe some part of you created "not being asked to return." Maybe some part of you was ready to move on. Your future may be unknown but it is full of opportunity to figure it all out and write it all down. We are here for you always.

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Max
03/06/2014 6:25pm

Interesting thought you bring up, that some part of me created "not being asked to return." It makes me think... and you may very well be right.

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