Many of them are carefree and uncensored, sometimes inappropriately so, and I envy this. Imagine it: saying whatever you want without worrying about offending anyone because you haven't yet developed the ability to regulate the natural impulses to reveal all your whimsical and occasionally bizarre thoughts.
As it turns out, I think these knuckleheads fit my writing style better than I could have hoped for, and here's fifteen examples of what I'm talking about.
1. Mister, what are you doing this weekend? Do you have a girlfriend? Are you married? Is your wife Colombian? They're cute.
My response: How did you guess my wife was Colombian?!
2. I didn't read last night because I sprained my wrist.
My response: One time I sprained my right wrist, broke three fingers, and had a punctured lung–and I still found a way to read. (Sometimes you have to embellish things.)
3. Does anybody have any tape?
N, I need eyes on me and voices off.
Anybody have tape or glue or somethin'?
N, we're not speaking right now. Everybody should have eyes on me.
Mister, if you want my eyes on you, I'm gonna need some tape or glue to stick 'em on you.
4. This is the worst class in the whole entire world. It's soooo boring.
Maybe we should have your mom come in then? Have her join you during class since you can't seem to handle it alone.
She'd think it's boring too. I promise you that. She'd probably fall asleep from being so bored.
5. Mister, those brown shoes don't match what you're wearing.
My response: ...
And stripes?! You can't have a tie with stripes and a plaid shirt.
My response: ...
6. Go ahead, call my mom. I don't care.
(Later that day)
Did you call my mom yet? Please don't call her. I'll be good tomorrow, I swear.
Her friend: She's not lyin'. If you call her mom she's just gonna scream at you tomorrow. I'm just trying to warn you.
7. (One of my student's friends to me after school) You look good.
Thank you. You look good too.
(My student) You know when she says you look good it means she likes you.
8. My favorite sport is basketball because I like competing and the exercise is good. And I like sweating. Oh and I like cussing too. Everything feels better when I cuss.
I like basketball for exactly those same reasons.
9. Mister, can I go to the bathroom?
No, less than ten minutes left in class, sorry.
But it's an emergency.
Sorry.
You'll definitely be sorry when I pee my pants and it goes all over your floor. (Evil smile, cascades of laughter)
10. (On new assigned seats day)
Come on, man. I'm not sitting there! You can't make me.
(To the class) Okay everyone, these are assigned seats and they're not changing. When I point you to a seat, do not complain. I don't want to hear any more moaning and groaning. I, you're sitting right here.
Ah hell no! No. Come on man, for real? Are you kiddin' me? No way am I sitting there.
I, come over here quickly and quieter than that. Next to I is S.
I: Hell no! I'm not sitting next to her! No way!!
(The next day) I and S, if you keep talking then I'm going to have to separate you.
I: Ah hell no! I'm not moving anywhere else! I'll stop talking, alright?! Jeeeez.
11. (After displaying that picture over there >
to the class)
It does look like him. Same hair. And same exact nose. MISTER! Is that you?! The face looks just like yours. Except the body is way different. You're way too skinny to be that guy. Nevermind.
12. I'm a grown man!
13. (In the middle of class, a knock on my door, which is actually a welcome alternative to the usual unbidden and disrupting barge-in, but nonetheless a distracting knock that I had to heed)
Mister, do you have any candy?
R, I'm in the middle of a class. Why do you need candy?
Because I need it. I'm feeling slow.
Sorry, I don't have any. Go back to class.
(In my head) You're not slow, you're just not your typical hyper as a hyena self. I wouldn't give you sugar if it was Halloween and you stood patiently on my doorstep for an hour.
14. You were probably 50 on 9/11, huh? (Cascades of undeserved laughter)
15. How many kids do you have?
None, and I couldn't have any even if I wanted to. I spend all my time and energy on you guys. You're welcome.