In 113.5 hours from now, students will enter my classroom for the first time. When I was in high school, I used to count down the hours until the basketball season began. I did this out of pure joy.
This is not that kind of countdown. This one stems from utter terror and panic. I'm startled awake most nights in a cold sweat after a dream of thirty-something small people under my supervision. I haven't been this scared since I was seven and watching this TV show.
I know what I'm probably going to do on that first day. As a result of my skyrocketing pulse and nausea, I'll probably say something stupid. I'll regret it immediately, of course, but the damage will be done. To make matters even scarier, I've been told many times that the first few weeks of school are the most important when it comes to setting the behavioral tone for the students, and when that is done right, it can lead to a better learning environment for the rest of the year. No pressure.
Anyway, I've decided I want to write down the worst things that I could say on that first day. My thinking is that if I do this, if I identify some of the worst possible phrases that I can inadvertently let slip, then I will have a better chance of avoiding them.
THE WORST POSSIBLE THINGS A TEACHER COULD SAY
Look, I really am quite nervous for my first day of teaching. Writing these clearly outlandish things has helped calm me because I think I should be able to avoid them. Well, except that sixteenth bullet. That will be my class motto.
This is not that kind of countdown. This one stems from utter terror and panic. I'm startled awake most nights in a cold sweat after a dream of thirty-something small people under my supervision. I haven't been this scared since I was seven and watching this TV show.
I know what I'm probably going to do on that first day. As a result of my skyrocketing pulse and nausea, I'll probably say something stupid. I'll regret it immediately, of course, but the damage will be done. To make matters even scarier, I've been told many times that the first few weeks of school are the most important when it comes to setting the behavioral tone for the students, and when that is done right, it can lead to a better learning environment for the rest of the year. No pressure.
Anyway, I've decided I want to write down the worst things that I could say on that first day. My thinking is that if I do this, if I identify some of the worst possible phrases that I can inadvertently let slip, then I will have a better chance of avoiding them.
THE WORST POSSIBLE THINGS A TEACHER COULD SAY
- Look, you don't have to listen to me.
- You both need to go to the bathroom this very instant? Hey, when ya gotta go, you gotta go. Don't forget a pass.
- This is my first day as a teacher in my life!
- Can you guys hold on for just a minute while I go to the bathroom?
- Okay, as you entered the classroom I heard nineteen people screaming and saw three people with their phones out and taking a video of the two people wrestling. That was not quite what I asked for, but we've got a lot to get to today, so we'll practice tomorrow.
- I have no idea what we're going to do today. Any ideas? (Actually I kinda like this one.)
- Can someone raise a hand and tell me where we're supposed to go in the event of a fire drill? I'm not really sure...
- What subject is this?
- Martin, that's your sixth warning. One more and that will be your seventh warning.
- I can't wait for lunchtime. You schillins are a handful.
- I'm almost 23.
- Everyone should friend me on Facebook!
- I live on the corner of Hillside and 16th.
- I rode my bike to school today. I was running late so I didn't have time to lock it up.
- I don't think I ever want kids. They're too annoying.
- We'll do it live, fuck it!
- You want to be a poet, huh? Good luck with that.
- College definitely wasn't worth the cost.
- Welcome seventh graders! I remember when I was in the seventh grade. That year sucked.
- If you have something to say, don't. There will be no talking in this class ever, as reading and writing require silence.
- All right, I'm going to take roll. Martin. Julissa. Rohan. Abubacarr...? That's a strange one.
Look, I really am quite nervous for my first day of teaching. Writing these clearly outlandish things has helped calm me because I think I should be able to avoid them. Well, except that sixteenth bullet. That will be my class motto.